haha

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Re: haha

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Dwarves are often overlooked.
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Re: haha

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Heckler to Jimmy Carr "you look like you're in 3d"........
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Re: haha

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People with Tourette's. What makes them tick?
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champ
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Ive just caught my dog shagging a cabbage, Feckin eejit must have thought it was a collie.
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My son came home the other day and told me he'd been kicked out of school for getting caught getting a handjob from a girl in his class.
I said "Son, that's three schools this year. Maybe teaching isn't for you".
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Re: haha

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T'was the night before christmas
And all through the house
Everyone felt shitty
Even the mouse

Mom at the whorehouse
And dad smoking grass
I'd just settled down
For a nice piece of ass

When out on the lawn
I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my piece
To see what's the matter

Then out on the lawn
I saw a big prick
I knew in a moment
It must be Saint Nick

He came down the chimney
Like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment
As the old fucker fell

He filled all our stockings
With pretzels and beer
And a big rubber dick
For my sister I fear

He rose up the chimney
With a thuderous fart
The son of a bitch
Blew the chimney apart

He swore and he cursed
As he rode out of sight
Merry Christmas to all
And to all a good night!
While I was married I had a a very varied and exciting sex life...... never told the wife tho' :o
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Paddy died and went to Hell, and when he got there the devil showed him three rooms and told him he had to pick one in which to spend the next 10 years.

The first room had a bunch of people constantly walking around on a floor of broken glass. The second room had a constant sound of nails-on-a-blackboard that was making everyone insane. The third room had a young attractive blonde sucking off this fat old black guy.

Paddy said instantly, "I'll take room #3, for sure."

The devil said to the blonde, "OK, get up love, it's Paddy's turn now."
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Re: haha

Unread post by stevedix »

How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Throw an apple and yell fetch.

Not funny I know, but it was a way to shoehorn the word in :whistle:
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Re: haha

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An Irishman limps into his doctor's surgery. "Doctor, I've got a real pain in me arse, could you take a look?"
The doctor starts to examine the man, and finds a £10 note lodged in his bum. He pulls it out, and finds another. And another. He keeps removing them until there are no more.
"Thanks doc, that feels much better. How much is there?"
The doctor counts the money
"Exactly £1990" says the doctor.
"Ah that'd be right" says the Irishman "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand"
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My wife is throwing me out because of my Only Fools and Horses obsession.

I'd better fetch the suitcase from the van.
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Re: haha

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Apparently the National Asthmatics Emergency Helpline is being shutdown. They're having problems with obscene phone calls.
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A man is lying in bed next to his new girlfriend after a great sex session, and she spends the next hour rubbing his balls because it’s something she just loves to do.

Since he was enjoying it he asked her:

“Why do you love doing that?

“Because” she replied “I miss mine.”
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Sad news, the guy who invented jigsaw puzzles has passed away, rest in pieces...
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Just received an email from a wealthy Nigerian Prince. He told me that he doesn’t have any fortune to share with me at the moment but he would appreciate if I could let him know before May 25th if I wish to continue receiving emails....
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I bought a whole salmon at the fishmongers yesterday got it home and all the insides had been taken out.
Gutted.
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A Blonde gets a large letter through the door with the words "DO NOT BEND" wrote accross it.She stands there thinking how am i going to pick it up..
:think:
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Two old ladies on a beach . streaker walks past,one had a stroke the other couldnt reach...

Bernard Manning
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A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked,

'How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said,

'About 2 hours.'

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy

'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around at the shop and said,

'About 3 hours.'

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked,

'How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop and said,

'About an hour and a half .

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor , follow him and see where he goes.

He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.

'A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, 'Your house!'
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Re: haha

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Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got
increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on. That night after the
festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired back to their
room.

Camilla flopped on the bed and said “Please remove my shoes darling.
Ones feet are killing One..”

Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor.. But it would not budge.

“Harder” yelled Camilla, “Harder”

Charles yelled back, “I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!”

“Come on give it all you've got! “she cried.

Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla
exclaimed “There! Oh God, that feels so good.”

In their bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said “
See I told you she was still a virgin with a face like that!”

Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the
other shoe when he cried out “Oh god, darling this one’s even tighter”

At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen “That's my
boy, Once a Navy man, always a navy man!
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Re: haha

Unread post by stevedix »

I went into the chip shop and said I'll have fish and chips twice. The fella said I heard you the first time.
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